Creative Destruction

I started this site out with noble intentions and it’s sat here empty for months. I let myself believe I have been too busy living my life and keeping my head above water to do anything with it until this week. This week I was slapped in the face with a hard lesson about being complacent, trusting others and believing that I could exert some sort of control over my future. It was a very painful experience.

I am a movie person, which to me means that when confronted with various events in life I replay a clip in my head of something that reminds me of what I’m experiencing at that time. This clip from that old favourite The Fifth Element, up until the 1:07 mark, was how I felt that slap went this week: Zorg vs Bastiat.  I didn’t get Bastiat’s chance to explain how I felt about this particular theory, as I had to run away before I started sobbing on what felt like one of the worst days of my career.

So what am I going to do about it? Complain here on my blog? Well yes, that’s what I’m doing now but what else? First thing I did was try to get it into perspective. Yes, I was being told I had failed and yes, some of that was in my control but the majority of it wasn’t and I can’t blame myself for that. People made their choices, I wasn’t one of them, fine, let’s move on. Do I feel crushed and hurt and utterly devastated? Yes. Does anyone but me care? No.

After letting myself feel bad about it I realised that in my head I’d thought of all these things to do that would have made a difference but I had done none of them. I’ve read all those articles about what successful people do, blah, blah, blah and all of that is very interesting but none of it matters unless you do it. I haven’t done anything about it because I couldn’t rouse myself from a paralysis that has slowly crept up on me these past few years. I knew it was happening and I could feel it progressing, freezing me in place but I felt helpless to stop it. Inertia has seeped into my very bones and I find it so hard to start anything, let alone do or finish anything. This week’s slap was the hardest one, but I have been getting three or four of those a year and I fear making any moves because of it. My defence mechanism against feeling the pain must have manifested as paralytic inertia. In the future if I’m going to get slapped for doing nothing, it must be more productive to get slapped for doing something, and hopefully less painful.

So if I want to make something of myself and find something interesting to do, I will have to change and take risks. Now that I know how it feels to hit the bottom I’m sure that any risk-taking I decide to do can’t feel as bad as this does.